Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So gin and wine won't be happening again
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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