This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
