I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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