remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
