I wish my penis had an off switch
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
