your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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