apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
