I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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