this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
