did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
