so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
