I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
