i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
