I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
