im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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