Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
