i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
