I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
