i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
