I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
