Apparently you make a good broom.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just gargled with NyQuil
not ubering you a puppy
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
