there's paper in my vomit.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
