Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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