do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
soo... how was my night?
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