Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
