he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
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