She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
