I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
