How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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