Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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