if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
