Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
