Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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