Screwed.edu
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
