nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
