the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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