god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
