Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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