That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
