I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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