Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I want her autograph on my taint
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
