Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
