Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Randomize
