i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
