Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
