As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
