Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
