Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
