Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
