turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
