I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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