I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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